Ethical Wills

SOME EXAMPLES OF WHAT OTHERS HAVE WRITTEN

Dear Ones,

I fully expect that I will live for a very long time, to see you well into adulthood and to share your future with you.  There is much to look forward to, and I am planning on being part of all the adventures and all the challenges and all the joys.  But if for some reason I am not, the most important thing you need to know is how much my love for you created the person that you will remember as me.  I made you, but you made me, too.  I am so proud of you and so grateful to you.  When the time comes, and none of us can answer the question of when that will be, you need to know that without a doubt, I was fulfilled in my life.  I have had a wonderful life and I don’t want you to mourn me-maybe a little, but not too long!  Carry me forward by recreating the net that I was for you and be it for others.  Carry me forward in your kitchen with our favorite coffee cake, muffins and pie, warm from the oven and made for your own delectable pleasure, or for those you care about.  Carry me forward with an optimistic outlook and tenacious devotion to what you know is best.  Carry me forward and I will be with you always.

Mother

Recipes attached

Susan Turnbull of Personal Legacy Advisors

In my Last Will and Testament, I have given my family all of my material possessions.  In this document, I seek to give you something more important and lasting.  If, you, as the reader, have a concern that I am somehow attempting to impose myself on you (or the way you are living your life), you need not worry.  I only intend to pass on some lessons I have learned over a lifetime--not to seek to control yours.

Let me tell you why I have been motivated to write to you.  As I look over the tangible reminders of the lives of my parents and grandparents, all that remains is a group of pictures, articles, notes and letters which have no unifying theme.  Aside from those physical items, I am left only with my memories of their lives, their teachings and their inspiration.  I thought that if I were to preserve, in one place, the bedrock principles which have guided my life, someone--someday--might benefit.

Above all, this document is intended to be a link between the generations of our family providing continuity by describing what those before me have taught me and what I have learned in my own life.

Hopefully, these words will be more important to you than words on a dead stone, and will be of some benefit to you over time.

I have observed too many instances of people who leave this world without passing on their wisdom and their insights.  Without the purposeful transfer of the riches of their accumulated experiences and knowledge, their families are robbed of the wealth that multiplies generation after generation.  I want the present and future generations of this beloved family of ours to build on what has come before them, to stand on our shoulders as we are standing on those who preceded us.  I want you to know where I have come from and what I have learned.  I want you to know what I have worked to create and I want to share my convictions on how to live a meaningful and balanced life.

I am far from being finished and far from being perfect, but I want you to have this now, knowing that what I write here is an expression of my life to the present time.  I fully intend to update it as the future unfolds.

Family

Family is number one, and I have never figured out what is in second place.

In our fast-paced and ever-changing environment, family is our most meaningful and enduring institution.  Family is the greatest source of support, guidance, stability and most of all love.

So, I have sought to devote all of my available energy to family.  Inevitably, subordinating ones interests to family has required sacrifice, especially measured in time.  Each day we are faced with a series of choices as to how to spend our time.  Having chosen to maximize the time spent with family has been the happiest of trade-offs by giving me indescribable pleasure and dividends.  I have gotten the best of that bargain.

My life has been enriched by wonderful friendships but the love of my family has been the most precious gift I have.  Your father and grandfather offered me a love and a life which I always feared was too good to last.  My love for him will never die.  I picture the world to come as the opportunity to relax again in his arms.

My children, you are sources of joy and pride.  You make me feel loved and cared for.  Your thoughtfulness is touching and our interactions are a pleasure for me.

My love for my grandchildren is too great to express in words.  I hope I have expressed it in other ways.  Your existence gives me hope for the future and our mutual love gives me the greatest happiness.

Money

By itself, ones financial net worth is meaningless.

Of course, having resources to provide a comfortable life is important.  But once having reached that enviable state, it is easy to lose perspective by believing that possessing material things is an end in itself.

Ironically, I have watched too many others become unhappy, guilty or unfulfilled because of their net worth.  So many of us live overly abundant lives.  The trick is to learn how to draw the greatest satisfaction from our lifestyles and avoid a race to accumulate more for its own sake.  Most importantly, I try to follow the examples of my mother and maternal grandparents who understood that the greatest satisfaction one can enjoy from money is to share it with others.

You will decide how much of your time, energy and money to give to others.  For me, charity has been an essential element of life.  While our resources are always limited, the amount of satisfaction to be enjoyed by sharing is unlimited.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.”  It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?”  And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.  Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.  Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose.  You are already naked.  There is no reason not to follow your heart.  (Steve Jobs)

Lessons Learned

Here is a collection of some lessons I have learned throughout my life:

*  There is perhaps nothing harder to achieve--and nothing more satisfying when it is achieved--than life balance.  By that I mean finding the right formula in order to devote the right amounts of time and energy to the various sectors of your life.  So, you must figure out how to balance family/work/friendships/volunteerism/exercise and, not to be forgotten, having some fun along the way.  Think of each of these sectors as wedges in a pie chart and work to find the right balance for you.  You should re-assess your chart periodically to evaluate whether you are in balance and then make adjustments as you go.  Call it your own form of personal strategic planning.

*  There is no substitute for hard work.  No one is automatically entitled to success--each of us must earn it.

*  Education is a life-long journey.  If you always keep your curiosity at a high level, you will be stimulated, interesting to others and you will retain your youthful outlook on life.  As we age, there is a temptation to fall back on the familiar--that's the easy course.  My goal has been to stay open-minded, unbiased and receptive to growth and change.  I have found that I can achieve that goal best through reading, travel and interactions with stimulating people.

*  We all need a "support group" composed of our closest family members and friends who we can call upon when we need them.  Don't go it alone.

*  Have a sense of community.  Develop a cohort of like-minded people with whom you interact regularly.  The type of group is unimportant.  Your affinity with them might center on your common interest in a hobby/common endeavor or business or social interest.  We are meant to be social beings.  Connectivity with people has been one of the core elements of my life.

*  Once having set your priorities, act now!  Procrastination magnifies even the smallest tasks and makes them harder to accomplish.  Stay on your toes--not back on your heels--and have a bias for action.

I have been privileged to have had so many opportunities to learn and put myself in a position to pass these lessons on to you.

The advice I have given you is intended to serve as a link among family generations.  It brings together what two generations have taught me and what I have learned for myself.  As you read this later on, you might want to create a similar document for yourself to continue the chain.

It would make me very happy if you were to keep and make copies and refer to it from time to time.  I hope by doing so, you will better understand your roots.  You will appreciate more the people who came before you (some of whom you never knew) and the sacrifices they made to give you a better life.  Having this document might also keep their memories alive.

My greatest wish for you is that you will have the same enthusiasm for life (and the rewards that come with it) that I have enjoyed.  We can't control the quantity of our life, but I have had a quality of life beyond anything which any human being could ever expect.  I have difficulty expressing how much all of you have contributed to my fulfillment.  I love you all.

I am very grateful to have such a loving son.  Your love and presence was so much a part of my healing journey.  As we well know, life is very fragile and in an instant happiness and joy can change to sorrow.  The sudden death of your Dad was a vivid reminder.

My wish for you is to seize the moment – let your radiance shine.  Take time for silence and renewal.  Create ritual and celebrations in your life.  Don’t sweat the small stuff.  I am certain with your education and work in the environment, you will leave soft footprints on our planet.  I am reminded of the words from a James Taylor song. “Shower the people you love with love; let them know that you care.”

I love you.  I love life.  May we be blessed with many more amazing joyful years together!  (Patricia Wilson)

My hope is that whatever you do to make a good life for yourself – whether you become a teacher, or social worker, or business person, or lawyer, or poet, or scientist – you will devote part of your life to making this a better world for your children, for all children.  My hope is that your generation will demand an end to war, that your generation will do something that has not yet been done in history and wipe out the national boundaries that separate us from other human beings on this earth.  (Women’s World)

Give thanks for today because we don’t know what tomorrow brings.  Happiness and hope can quickly turn to sorrow and loss.  So please make sure to not only say your thank-yous, but share your inner feelings of love and values.  Don’t wait…seize the moment.  Smile at everyone no matter where paths cross or whether friend or stranger.  Your inner radiance is G-d’s gift for you to share.  And make it your obligation to illuminate the sky when darkness is all around us.  We don’t always grasp what we have or who we are until it is almost taken from us.  So please, be present…don’t hurry through life forgetting to say I love you…I love life.  (Sara C.Jaehne)

Michael Greenspan authored the following introduction and ethical will.  He also created a Web site in honor of his deceased son, David.  The Web address is contained in Mike’s introduction.

Having disposed of my property through duly executed documents, I now turn to the harder job of leaving to my children, Lisa and David, a set of principles that they should consider in living their own lives and in helping to shape the lives of their children.

1.Do the right thing-as often as you can.

2.Only worry about those things that you can do something about.

3.Try as hard as you can, and, having done so, don’t look back if things don’t work out.

4.Work hard, but stop before you mindlessly begin work to ask whether you have found the most efficient thing to work hard at.

5.You are not the center of the universe.  If it takes religion to make you realize that, then embrace religion.

6.Happiness is NOT what feels good at the moment.  You also have to consider the long-term consequences of your actions.

7.Be positive; try to find the best in a bad situation.

8.Be interested in a lot of things.  People who are interested are interesting.

9.Show everyone that you love that you love him or her, and be sure to tell him or her as well.

10.Divide the world into two groups: those that are trying to hurt you and those that aren’t.  Fight the first group as hard as you can and cut the second group as much slack as you can.

11.In making decisions, tend toward those that maximize your options.

12.Procrastinating over a decision until there is no decision to be made is itself a decision.

13.The best trait, in a friend, co-worker, or yourself, is dependability.  The second is loyalty.

14.If you find a good, true friend, hold on to him or her as hard as you can.

15.Ask not what people do, but how well they do it.

16.Be fruitful and multiply.

17.And three that I have heard before but really like:

(a)  When things are going REALLY wrong, remember: that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,

(b)  Love like you’ve never been hurt before, and

(c)  Dance like no one’s watching.

(Ethical Will of Michael A. Greenspan)

I’ve come to accept that there is purpose to our universe, and therefore purpose to us who are of its essence.  To me, to be without purpose is to be without meaning; all of life, all of us, would be meaningless.  I reject a meaningless life – a meaningless family.  I hope that, in time, each of you will also accept that our lives have meaning, therefore purpose, and guide yourselves and your progeny accordingly.

Live together in harmony.  Consider the family when an issue foments stresses among you.  Help each other in times of need and turmoil even though you reside at great distances and your lifestyles and outlooks on life differ greatly. 

Honor and care for Mom – Grandma.  Make her old age happy years, as far as it is in your power to do so.  She more than deserves such consideration from each of you.  You have heard Mom gently reproach me at times about my not giving enough attention to my children and grandchildren.  She always wanted more for each of you.  Be worthy of her devotion.

Carry the family heritage with dignity.  Though you discard customs and rituals you consider trivial, bear in mind many have come down the centuries and withstood the tests of time and travail.

Do not mourn me.  I have enjoyed my life.  Move on, using for good purposes the knowledge and skills you have acquired over the years.  You will serve your family best by serving humankind.

Remember me affectionately as your Dad and Grandpa.  (Courtesy of Mike Moldeven, Del Mar, CA)

I leave you my unpaid debts.  They are my greatest assets.  Everything I own-I owe:

1.To America I owe a debt for the opportunity it gave me to be free and to be me.

2.To my parents I owe America.  They gave it to me and I leave it to you.  Take good care of it.

3.To the biblical tradition I owe the belief that man does not live by bread alone, nor does he live alone at all.  This is also the democratic tradition.  Preserve it.

4.To the six million of my people and to the thirty million other humans who died because of man’s inhumanity to man, I owe a vow that it must never happen again.

5.I leave you not everything I never had, but everything I had in my lifetime: a good family, respect for learning, compassion for my fellowman, some four –letter words for all occasions: words like “help,” “give,” “care,” “feel,” and “love.”

Love, my dear grandchildren, is easier to recommend than to define.  I an tell you only that like those who came before you, you will surely know when love ain’t; you will also know when mercy ain’t and brotherhood ain’t.

The millennium will come when all the “ain’ts” shall have become “ises” and all the “ises” shall be for all, even for those you don’t like.

Finally, I leave you the years I should like to have lived so that I might possibly see whether your generation will bring more love and peace to the world than ours did.  I not only hope you will.  I pray that you will.  (Sam Levenson)

Letter Written By Sullivan Ballou of Rhode Island to His Wife, Sarah, Prior to Entering Into the First Battle of Bull Run in April, 1861

July the 14th, 1861

Washington, D.C.

My very dear Sarah:

The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days-perhaps tomorrow.  Lest I should not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more.

If it is necessary that I should fall on the battlefield for my country, I am ready.  I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in, the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter.  I know how strongly American Civilization now leans upon the triumph of the Government, and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution.  And I am willing-perfectly willing-to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt.

The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them so long.  And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when God willing, we might still have lived and loved together and seen our sons grow up to honorable manhood around us.  I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed.  If I do not, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battlefield, it will whisper your name.

Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you.  How thoughtless and foolish I have often been!  How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness, and struggle with all the misfortune of this world, to shield you and my children from harm.

But, O Sarah!  If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the brightest day and in the darkest night- amidst your happiest scenes and gloomiest hours-always; and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath; or the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.

Sarah, do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for me, for we shall meet again.

Sullivan

The letter may never have been mailed; it was found in Ballou’s trunk after he died.  It was reclaimed and delivered to Ballou’s widow by Governor William Sprague, either after Sprague had traveled to Virginia to reclaim the effects of dead Rhode Island soldiers, or from Camp Sprague in Washington, D.C.

SUBJECTS FOR POSSIBLE INCLUSION IN AN ETHICAL WILL

To aid your thinking and to stimulate ideas, here are some potential subjects you might want to include in your Ethical Will:

(1)Introduction--in which you briefly state why you are creating this document--what is your objective in writing this Ethical Will?

(2)Statements of Value--What is most important to me?

(3)Most significant Lessons Learned from loved ones, including parents, grandparents, spouse, children, teachers and friends

(4)Major Influences in my life--people and events, including instructive experiences and important decisions you made

(5)Your thoughts about Religion

(6)Family Lore and Family Stories

(7)Advice

(8)Expressions of love, gratitude, appreciation and forgiveness

(9)Your Hopes for the future

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Selected Books and Print Resources

Albom, Mitch, Tuesdays With Morrie: An Old Man, A Young man, and Life’s Greatest Lesson, New York: Doubleday, 1997

Baines, Barry, Ethical Wills: Putting Your Values on Paper, Lifelong Books, 2006

Pausch, Randy (with Jeffrey Zaslow), The Last Lecture

Riener, Rabbi Jack and Nathaniel Stanpfer, So That Your Values Live On: Ethical Wills and How To Prepare them, Jewish Lights Publishing, 2006

Turnbull, Susan, The Wealth of Your Life: A Step-by-Step Guide for Creating Your Ethical Will, Benedict Press, 2005

Yost, Paula Stallings and Pat McNees, My Words are Gonna Linger, Personal History Press

Software Resources

Baines, Barry K., M.D., and Wm. Bradley Rouse, Putting Your Values on Paper™: The Ethical Will Writing Guide, 2000.  Available via Internet downloading and purchase from www.ethicalwill.com.